I have a thing for TWOs, hence the quirky title. It's specifically related to my children. For the first ten years of parenting, it was just the TWO of us, me and my son, Christian. Then I became a mother of TWO, on the second day of the second month of the second millennium (02/02/2000). Then I became a mother of TWO children born on the same day of the month (my oldest and youngest are both born on the 28th day of August and September, respectively), and became the mother of TWO girls. I have been a mother for TWO decades now (more than half my life). This year, my son turns TWO-TWO (22) and his second year in the Air Force. I have TWO daughters, my mother had TWO daughters, and her mother had TWO daughters. When I get married again (because I know God has that in store for me because I love being married), we will be TWO. So, like many people have a thing for sevens, I have a thing for TWOs. (I also have a thing for sevens and elevens, but I'll leave that for another day.)
The TWO thing has really nothing to do with this post, except it's about parenting my TWO.
So, today, I had a complete mental breakdown. Here I am trying to be super-mom. In the moment, I feel as though I am doing what God commands me to do in parenting my children. According to Proverbs 31:26-28 (HCSB), "She watches over the activities of her household and is never idle." So, I strive not to be idle, and try to ensure that my girls are never idle either. You see, I spent much of my childhood being idle. And as the saying goes, "Idle hands are the devils playground." So, I found myself getting into much trouble in junior high school. Failing grades, gang association, school suspensions, fights, and eventually, a pregnancy that resulted in the birth of my son at the beginning of my 11th grade year.
As my oldest daughter is fully immersed in her tween years, I find myself giving her the okay to any and every activity she asks to be involved in. Most of them are church-based, so "how could I possibly say 'no'? I mean, here is a 12-year-old who wants to hang out at church, with her church friends (many of whom are parented like mine are.) Then comes a day like today...when I get smacked with the reality that there isn't a Super-Mom cape hiding under my shirt. When I realize that I am driving over 100 miles each weekend carting the girls back and forth to church/school for their activities, in addition to the Monday and Wednesday night activities as well. Tuesday nights are reserved for my bible study which is only usually 6-8 weeks each season. Thursday evening are my late work evenings to do home visits for work (I am a Social Worker). Did I mention that I am also remodeling my kitchen single-handedly? So, today, as I am mentally trying to hold it all together while waiting at the girls' bus stop for the bus (that was late), I hear my oldest say, "Mom, can you just take us to school?" And without even processing the statement, as if on auto-pilot, I put the car in drive, because my over-achieving daughters couldn't possibly be late for school. And as I am still on auto-pilot, scanning the street for children (there were none in sight), I speed up in attempt to get my kids to school on time, and get flagged down my a cop who isn't even on his bike. Yes, I got a ticket (which I will fight). It was then that I realized...I am doing waaay too much. It's as if I'm in a fog most of the time, and not really living. And there I sat, fussing at the girls (for which I apologized later) and crying my eyes out because I really cannot afford to pay (or fight) this ticket. So off I went, ticket in hand, still on auto-pilot, dropping the kids off, telling them I loved them and wished them a blessed day. Then I pulled over and prayed. Not because of the ticket, but because I felt as though, in that moment, that this kind of chaos could not be what God was referring to about never being idle.
My best friend gave me a bit of insight: If I overburden myself and cause myself to be incapacitated in any way and unable to work (i.e.: mental breakdown), then who will care for my TWO?
Later on, I began to realize, that would certainly be counteracting what my goal is, which is to fulfill the duties of a mother as God commanded. So this evening, I sat down with my TWO, and explained to them that there is no cape under my shirt, and that Mommy is exhausted. So, we went down the list of weekly activities, and they gave up ONE activity, for now.
Today's lesson: do not get caught up in the nuances of what you feel God is commanding you to do. Sometimes doing too much can be counterproductive, and He certainly does not want that for us.
Pray about it: He will reveal to you what He needs you to know. It's called an "aha moment".
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